Shower Thoughts

Everybody knows that shower time is thinking time! Lol. So I jus got out of the shower, at 2 am yes lol and things I thought about consisted of my best friend’s reaction when I give him his birthday/going away present!  I decided to make him a scrapbook of well, us! And I had to do most of it in one weekend! I didn’t realize his birthday was as close as it was! But I finished it, all 20 pages, and decorated the cover. (: I’m very pleased with it, it came out pretty adorable! His birthday is on the first and I will hopefully give the scrapbook to him tomorrow if i get a hold of him (: cause he said he’s gonna be busy tomorrow, but we’ll see. I can’t wait to see his reaction! Last year I made him a giant birthday card, but this scrapbook tops it! Homeboy isn’t getting a present for the next couple of years haha. So by this time you may be asking yourself “what does she mean by going away?” Well, he will be leaving for the Air Force soon./: I am so proud of him for it though! He’s been talking about it for as long as I can remember, and now he’s on his way. He gets so excited about it too, he talks about it like a little kid in a candy store lol its adorable. I’m just gonna be a little lost without him, I mean, we talk just about everyday, I go by house randomly or his work just for a quick talk, im gonna miss all that so much./: and he knows I’m not ready for him to leave. He’s always the one to cheer me up when I’m down, make me laugh when I’m having a bad day, and when my other best friend moved I was pretty down, and all I heard was him in my head saying his usual words of “Don’t cry, you need to man up! You know you’ll still talk to and see her. Don’t be overdramatic.” Lol. So of course I texted him. Didn’t even have to tell him what was wrong, just had a conversaton and I already felt better. So this time, I’m not sure how I’m gonna be, cause I can’t text him if he’s the one leaving.. /: I’m kind of scared because I don’t know now I am going to react once hes gone? But, I’m just glad I still have time with him before his leave, and I’m going to cherish every minute! I hope I find a way to see him tomorrow to give him his present!! Wish me luck guys! (:

One of Those Nights..

Yes, I’m having one of those nights again. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. I don’t know what to do! This links back to my last post “Lost In Love”. I’m completely in love with this guy that I’ve grown so close with. I can actually feel pain in my chest when I think about the fact that I can never be with him. I’ve been on the verge of tears for about 3 weeks and I don’t know why. He’s all I ever think about. My mom jokingly called him my boyfriend today. Does she want us together too? She knows he’s like my best friend, I don’t know why she’d say that.. I have a feeling she, along with my dad, think we’re gonna end up together. I wish they were right. I just don’t see why he won’t give us a chance. Just one chance. That’s all I want.. I could show him how happy we could be together. But he doesn’t even want to try with me… and that hurts me so much. He doesn’t realize that. Yet all these other girls get chances. They get second chances ay that! But not me. Not the girl who puts up with his terrible moods and is there right there for him when he decides he’s ready to talk about whatever it was that was pissing him off. Not the girl that does countless sweet and nice gestures for him just because she wants to see the smile on his face. The girls who have messed with his feelings, things didn’t work out with, or they were just plain stupid, they get a second chance? Oh yeah, that makes perfect sense. I know, I’m ranting right about now. But everyone’s asleep and I need someway to let this all out. Gosh, I just don’t know what to do. Am I going to be in love with him forever? Will I ever get my chance with him? Are we meant to be together? Is he ever gonna realize that what he’s looking for is right in front of him? Or when he realizes, will it be too late? That’s what scares me. Is he gonna realize something as soon as I finally move on? Ugh, I just don’t know. I just wish he’d wanna be with me and we could both just be happy, together, and in love. But of course, life isn’t that easy. Although I am completely thankful that I did meet him and become his best friend, some days I wish I didn’t fall for him the way I did. Why couldn’t I have just become his best friend and not start to like him? There has to be a reason I fell so hard and so fast in love with this guy when he never even did anything. There has to. I can’t be going through all of this for nothing, right? Sigh.. Girls, just do yourselves a favor: never fall in love before you know he’s in love with you too. It’s screws with your heart, and its one of the most emotionally painful and worst feelings in the world. Don’t end up like me.

Lost In Love

I may be young, but I’ve already experienced the worst form of heartbreak there is. You know, the one where the girl falls completely head over heels for that one guy who doesn’t feel the same? Yeah, that kind. The kind where the girl is completely, 110%, full-heartedly in love with the guy, when he only sees her as his best friend.
I’ve told him how I feel, he knows I like him, he knows I love him, but he is unaware that I am IN love with him. And I mean, of course he knows I love him, he’s one of my best friends how can I not? But he has no idea the things that go through my head apart from him being my amazing best friend. I’ve liked him since the end of my sophomore year in highschool. I am now a freshman in college. He’s somewhat known since sophomore summer, but It wasn’t until the end of senior year that I got the courage up to actually tell him myself. I was just so scared to ruin our already great friendship. But then I thought to myself, ‘this guy is my best friend, he wouldn’t let something like this get in the way.’ And I was right. He let me down easy, said he had a hunch I liked him the whole time, and said he really wants our relationship to stay the same, and that it would. I loved that he was so cool about it. After that, I told myself I would try to get over him. And I did try, like crazy I tried, but the feelings just wouldn’t let loose. I thought I had fallen as far as I could for this guy, but this past summer I realized, I’m in love with him, and reading back on my journal, I now know I’ve been in love with him since day one. I just didn’t realize it until now. I really don’t know what to do now. I don’t know how to move on. I know and realize that I have no chance at a romantic relationship with him, and I want nothing more than to be over him, but I don’t know how to go about any of it. Every other guy gets comapred to him. I just feel like I’ll never be fully happy unless he’s the one I’m with every second of every day. I care about him so much. I’m just so lost and confused. I’ve had countless tear filled pillows because of it. I’m not upset with him for not having feelings for me, I’m upset at the fact that I don’t get a chance with him. Especially now, when he’s playing ghosts of girlfriends past and tracing back through all his exes, giving them second chances! And when I told him about liking him senior year, other reasons he added to wanting to stay just best friends was “I’m not dating anyone from our hometown” and “I’ve been looking for a girl who fits me and I’m going to keep looking for her.” 1.) All these exes he’s been tracing back through, and even some new girls, are from and still live in our hometown and 2.) Who’s a better fit for you than your best friend ya know? Those are the only things that still get to me about the whole situation. I get upset about them, but I never let him know it, because at the end of the day, his friendship is what’s most important to me. ❤ I may be hurting like crazy, but once I see the smile on his face, or feel the embrace of his hugs, it makes everything better. I know I need to move on though, i really do, but for a heart thats as deep in love as mine, thats one of the hardest things to do. I mean, my heart tells me we're supposed to be together, but only time will reveal whats meant to be. I just hope and pray that whatever the outcome, we both end up happy. And if only one of us can end up happy, I'd rather it be him, because that boys happiness means the world to me. My feelings for this boy will never completely go away. There's forever going to be a piece of me thats in love with him, I already know it.

I'm so sorry about the bipolar post today you guys, just one of those nights where my thoughts are all over the place. I didn't even try to organize them for this post.